Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Jail

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

Breaking news:

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”