Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.