Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*