Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Boating season is upon us.

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt