Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER