Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Hot Hot Hot
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life