Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Fat chances are my favorite chances
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
