Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
finally
