Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
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Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?