Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?