Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
#milo
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings