Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
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[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.