[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Midwest trash talk
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are