I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Delightful if true: booby trap.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Liquor Store Parking
u spoke cat all this time??????
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck