Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

You learn something every day

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.