Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty