Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.