Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight