Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Home #decor warning.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
my professor scared me for a second
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.