Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

😤😤

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.