Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

My dream car is a taco truck.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

If I ignore life will it go away?

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”