Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…