masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month