masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert