masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[I’m happy we’re getting fried chicken] “Let’s get chicken-faced!”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.