MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
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[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
the icebreaker
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice