Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

finally

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.