MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You Might Also Like
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”