MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
You Might Also Like
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
cyclists
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
concern
adam and eve had first world problems
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?