Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

britain’s three elite institutions

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?