Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
You Might Also Like
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid