Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

what the hell pray for carter everyone

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.

What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.