massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
He has no idea 🤡
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*