massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…