massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
You Might Also Like
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*