massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
me hooking up with my ex
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Thank you 🥹
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ