Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”

-soon to be disappointed praying mantis

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Boating season is upon us.

The human personality is made of five key elements

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping