Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.