Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.