[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.