Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.