[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“what that mouth do?” complain
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit