Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.