Match dot com, but for socks.
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*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Ovenable?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it