Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?