Match dot com, but for socks.
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Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.