Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

Pat is about to own someone

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

I sexually identify as a hand grenade