Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
this isn’t threatening at all
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”