Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

Siri, fight Alexa.

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.