Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”

The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

I am thick and tired. 🙄

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking