Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.

In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.

[First date stroll in the park]

Me: So you work at the planetarium?

Date: Yeah.

Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?

Date: The sun.

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.