Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
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Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
They’re on their honeymoon
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.