Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫