Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.