Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

Growing up was a huge mistake

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Mad Max: Furry Road

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.