Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

you’re so productive for your wage

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

They’re stuck in your pants?

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.