@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

- @beefman138

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@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@brakco

I can’t help but feel that if Mario hadn’t been taking so many mushrooms he would have found the right castle rather quickly..

@BoogTweets

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

@usedwigs

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@carlyken

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.