Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”