Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

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I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.


You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California


My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.


Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.


My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.


When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.


my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me


Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.