@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

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@katy_baybay

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

@TheBlessMess

My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.

@Treememories

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

@SocialustGal13

My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.

@TwinSurvivalist

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

@LoveNLunchmeat

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.