Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Saw this yesterday lol
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.