#math
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Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”