Math at Halloween.
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this is one of the funniest videos of all time
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.