Math at Halloween.
You Might Also Like
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Most fashion shows these days…
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.