[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Guilty! 🤪
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
