[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
I wish this was real life…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
tinder is all about the long game
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.