Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy