[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
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Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.