Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

Only Americans understand

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip