Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
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Sounds like a bargain
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
These are too funny not to post 😂
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess