Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
shakira sharkira
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.