Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
