Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
How animals would run if they were human
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants