Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You Might Also Like
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?