Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Meowchelangelo
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
