Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Shower sex be like:
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.