Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
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I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”